I have a secret. It’s haunted me since I’ve been about 14. It’s something I don’t share with many people. Only in the last couple of years have I even been open enough to share it with a few trusted people outside of my family. No, I didn’t use to be a man. No, I wasn’t a prostitute in a former life. Those secrets would be much easier to share. This particular secret is shameful to me and makes me feel like a real loser. But I am forced to face it head on, as I don’t want my daughter growing up and seeing this. And if she happens to ever have the same problem, I don’t want her to feel the shame that I do.
I have bad anxiety and I experience severe panic attacks when I travel. I haven’t been able to drive on the highway in over 10 years. And in the past 8 or 9 years, it’s very stressful for me to even be a passenger in the car on the highway. Before Tangerine was born, I used to take an Ativan before long car trips and that helped tremendously. But since I found out I was pregnant with her and now that I am still nursing, that is out of the question. Plus, I don’t want to be putting more chemicals than I need to, into my body. I do deep breathing and even practice guided imagery, and in my everyday life, that has helped a lot. But when it comes to being on the highway, nothing seems to help. It keeps getting worse.
This fear is so crippling. I’m missing out on so much because of it. I don’t want Tangerine to be affected by my problem. I also don’t want her to internalize my issue. I pray constantly that she doesn’t ever have to live with such a debilitating condition.
I have an upcoming road trip to make in August. The event I’ll be traveling to is something I’ve been looking forward to for a while. Plus, I will finally be meeting a good friend in person for the first time. However, the event is 2 hours away. I’m terrified of it. I won’t be driving – my mom will. But that still petrifies me. I’ve had a knot in my stomach for weeks now, over this.
People in the past have told me to just “get over it”. And I know I really must face my fears – because the more that I do, the lesser hold they will have over me. But I can’t seem to make myself. I do see a therapist for this.
I also must confess that I’ve been taking a very low dose of Effexor XR for about 7 years now. I’ve tried to come off of it 3 times. All three times, I became agoraphobic and had to take TONS of Ativan to keep me somewhat functioning. I saw my ob/gyn before I became pregnant and she okayed me to be on it through pregnancy and breastfeeding. Tangerine’s pediatrician also okayed me to be on it while I breastfeed. They both said that it would be way worse for Tangerine to have a mother in a constant state of anxiety and fear than to be getting a tiny bit of the medication. I, of course, battle with this decision constantly. Especially, as I try to become “greener” and be more natural, the fact that I’m basically a prisoner to this medicine and have made my year old daughter hostage to this without her consent, haunts me.
So, that’s my secret. It’s now out in the open for all to see and judge. Please be kind.
Don’t be ashamed! I had been on Zoloft for about 3 and a half years and only recently weaned myself off of it. Do you feel ashamed or guilty or “ungreen” when you take an antibiotic for an infection? Medication for an illness is not something to be ashamed of it my opinion. AND it is not being “ungreen.” If you are sick and medication can help you and the risks to you outweigh the benefits, you take the medicine!!! Oh, I wish you had said something about this sooner! HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE OK!
Thanks. Most of my shame is for having this problem. It seems so silly. I’m a pretty intelligent individual, I think. Then, I have these attacks where I get super dizzy and feel like I am going crazy and/or going to pass out. My heart races and I feel trapped. I experience this just because I’m in the car on a highway. How silly is that? I do worry about what effects the med might have on Miss T. I constantly question whether it’s my fault that she’s a little behind on milestones (from being on the Effexor during my pregnancy and now while I’m breastfeeding). Anyhow, thanks for your support.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I have had the same phobia for probably 10 years. I wouldn’t say as severe as you, but i definitely avoided trips when at all possible and it started as anxiety if i had to drive and turned into anxiety if I am on an Interstate at all! I am slowly overcoming it, with determination that I’m not gonna let my kids miss out on going places because of something like this! Kids have a funny way of making us face our shortcomings! If you want to talk you can always find me on facebook!
Very true. Thanks for your support. ((HUGS)) to you as well.
Ugh I have such anxiety since having Jasmine I’ve been contemplating getting help for it. When she is sick, I am useless because I’m sick and worried and on the verge of panic. I hate it.
((hugs))
Sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t wish this infliction on anyone. ((HUGS))
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I have an aunt who has a lot of anxiety when it comes to traveling. I’ll ask her more about how she has dealt with it over the years.
Thanks for sharing your story. Mine is very similar. I’m afraid of lots of things and have had to really face my fears over the years in order to live a full life. It hasn’t been easy. Medicine helps, but for me counseling and therapy have done far more good. In fact, I became a psychologist in order to help others in the same situation. I just want to say, don’t hesitate to find someone to talk to – a counselor, religious leader, psychologist or social worker who can help you develop coping skills and better understand the root of the fear. Good luck!
Thanks so much. I’m sorry you’ve endured anxiety. It really stinks! I have a wonderful counselor. But I was doing so well for a long time, that I haven’t seen her in over a year. However, I just scheduled an appointment with her for Monday. Thanks for your kind words.
Glad that you will be meeting with your counselor. She has helped you and will help you again. You can contain this demon for certain. Being proactive like you are is the first step. If i can do anything for you at all, be in touch. Hugs
That was so brave of you to write about! It takes a lot of courage to share this! I really admire you
I live near Philly, and there is a particular stretch of highway we have to drive, when we go to the shore. I won’t drive there, and when my husband drives, I close my eyes for literallly an hour, or try to sit in the back with my kids, anything to distract myself. I am more than sure that you are not alone with this problem.
Hi Abrah,
I saw a television show about this exact same problem! I’m going to try and google it and see what I come up with. The woman had a therapy program, and eventually did “exposure therapy” w/ her Dr. riding in the car w/ her on the highway, and after a few times, it worked wonders! I was on zoloft for awhile for PPD..and I stayed on it my whole time being pg w/ my 2nd child. I’m sure that once your done nursing, if you wanted to start taking the smallest dose of ativan just to get a little relief, you’d feel a little bit better. I’m not one of those “green” people LOL..I don’t mind putiing medication in me at all if it helps. Right now, I’m not taking any medication, but I know what signs to look for, and like your Dr. said, our kids need us to be the best we can be…we have to be able to take care of ourselves so we can take care of them! As T gets older, you’re going to want to take her to places like StoryLand and Santa’s Villiage and places like that. We go every year…my husband and I don’t really enjoy the rides of course, but to see the joy in our kids faces is worth every bit! Good luck honey!!!
Lisa, thanks for your response. Most of the reason why my parents came with me to your house, was because I needed my mom to drive. I can’t even tell you how stressful the ride to and from your house was, for me. I had to sit in the backseat with T, because I’m too dangerous in the front seat – I literally scream and sometimes have been known to even touch the driver’s arm. It’s awful.
Abrah,
Don’t be ashamed or embarrased. You are not alone! I suffer from the same anxiety about driving on the highway. I don’t know if I have it as bad as you do, because I do force myself to drive on the highway. But it causes be great stress and anxiety. I also get nervous in other peoples cars. I am not on anxiety meds., but have been on antidepressents for years. I did see a therapist for the anxiety but she didn’t help. When I’m on the highway I won’t go very far distances. I am especially nervous on 95 North. I don’t like the feeling of cars on boths sides of me. I feel like I’m going to go over the line and lose control. It’s an awful feeling. No one really can understand. I’m glad that I’m not alone with this condition. I was never like this when I was younger. It came to me as I got older. Some people make fun. They just don’t get it. I fight it as best I can, because I know there may be times in my life, where I have to depend on myself and so I force myself to navigate the highway. Don’t be ashamed! You haven’t done anything to feel that way. And as far as the meds go with Talia, it’s like having to take any other med thats a necessity. Hang in there and write to me anytime. (((Hugs)))
Thanks, Jackie. I’m sorry you suffer such a similar anxiety. It’s so terrible! For me, it keeps me from doing so many things. For example, I had wanted to go to your father’s funeral, but the thought of driving “all the way” to Cranston was just too much for me.
I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for years now due to having IBS and other related issues. It is so debilitating and painful you wouldn’t believe and nobody really understands. So I do know how you feel. I am sure you will slowly overcome this problem and I’m sure your daughter will understand because she loves her mom so much. And you have nothing to be ashamed about.
Thanks for your kind words.
Its commendable you shared this- I this it is cathartic in a way and just sharing and gaining support will help get through this. I have anxiety probs too and have been dealing with it in various ways, some successful and some not. Anxiety can be really rough to work through but youre right, it does get easier the more you face your fears. Im proud of you for going on the trip despite all of this….
I am so proud of you for telling your secret. since you told me one, I will tell you one about me. I too have severe anxiety. I am afraid for anyone else to drive the car but me (among other things). Not sure when it started but since having the kids it has become much worse. It’s not only on highways but on every single street. If anyone one else drives I become this back seat driver from HELL. I take medication as well. When I was pregnant I had to stop taking the one I was prescribed because it was not safe for the twins. Once they were born I thought that maybe I didn’t need to take anything. Boy was I wrong. I found myself a great counselor and have been back on meds for 3 years now. Its funny how before I had the kids I never really thought much about the things I did to myself and my body. I lived many years that I wish I could take back. However, now all I do is analyze my every decision. If you ever need to talk, please let me know. I really know how to listen.
The strange part for me is that I can’t drive on the highway, yet I want to be in control as if I am the driver. I, too, am the back seat driver from HELL. I scream “watch out” and “slow down” and direct the driver to “change lanes”. It’s terrible.
I completely understand you because I am petrified to fly. I make a transatlantic flight once a year and occassionally fly to Europe (sometimes once a year and as much as 3X a year) but I find it extremely difficult each time. I just take a little orange tablet before my flight and hope for the best. The worst thing you can do is to let this demon ruin your life. The best thing you can do is to try to fight it in whatever way works for you. The bravest thing you can do is to talk about it.
All of you have a tremendous amount of courage. I send warm fuzzies to all for facing these hidden illnesses head-on. Hugs for all.
Hi Abrah-
Your friend above mentioned a tv show, it is this one: http://www.aetv.com/obsessed/episode-guide/index.jsp?episode=457572&deeplink=true&dlepisodeid=457572&dlseason=Season%201
I am glad you are seeing a counselor. CBT would probably be very helpful with this!