As many of you know, we are in the middle of the ten days of repentance – a period of time that begins with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and ends with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.   It is a time of self-reflection – when we take an honest look at our self and our actions in the past year and consciously make the decision to change for the better in the upcoming year.   A lot of times this involves deeds we did to other people and we apologize to all of those people we might have wronged.  But, sometimes, some of our wrong doings are things we’ve unknowingly done to ourselves.  We must also make amends for this as well.  In Hebrew, the word for sin is “Cheyt”.  The word actually comes from the sport of archery and literally means “missed the mark”.    As we reflect on our lives during this ten-day period, we acknowledge all of the marks we’ve missed and “return” or do “Teshuva” to the correct mark(s).  

I am far from perfect.  I’m the first to admit it.  In fact, I have a lot of faults.  I disclosed in a blog entry a few months back that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder.  This ailment has actually been getting worse in recent weeks.  I had been seeing a therapist for a few years, but wasn’t making any progress.  Three weeks ago, I decided to seek out a new therapist – one that specifically specializes in anxiety and panic.  I found the most amazing therapist – Vidalia onion* – I’ll just call her Vid for short.   I’ve only seen her three times and in this short time, I’m happy to admit that I’m making tremendous strides and overcoming issues that have plagued me for years.   I’ve been discovering so much about myself.  One of the things I’ve learned is that I’m an “all or nothing” person or a “black or white” person.  There is no middle ground, no gray area for me.  At least in the past there hasn’t been.  This is apparent in most areas of my life.   For instance, I won’t start cleaning the house if I know I don’t have the time to clean the entire house at once.  So instead of cleaning a room on one day, and then another the next day, etc. and have the entire house cleaned within a few days time, I might put it off for 2 – 3 weeks until I have the time to do it all at once.    If I only have 10 minutes to exercise, I’ll skip the exercise and wait until I have the time to do a full workout.    I even waited a few weeks to start eating a plant-based diet until I ate up all of the meat, eggs, and cheese containing foods of mine that were in the house. 

 That brings me to my update on a plant-based diet.  (This really is not a digression.)  Last week, I wrote how I was having some cravings and getting a little frustrated with my plant-based way of eating, especially since my mom was going to quit “the diet”.  Well, since then, I’ve found some new recipes, some dairy free cheese that is amazing and I’ve been re-reading all of the literature that has reminded me why I’m doing this diet in the first place.  My strength has been renewed.  But, underneath it all, I’m so afraid that the “all or nothing” beast will attack.  That’s when I realized, that I have to find that middle ground and be a little gray with my eating.  I can’t be so strict and unyielding, otherwise I will break.    I’m pleased to say, that I finally have found my touch of gray and I found it tonight.    My parents went to an amazing Italian restaurant that they only go to once a year (when they visit the cemeteries two hours away, where their loved ones are buried).  I asked them to bring home my husband’s favorite dish – Chicken Alfredo.  Before they left the restaurant, they called me and asked if I wanted some eggplant parmesan.   I thought for a moment and figured I could pull of the cheese and told them “yes, please”.    When the food arrived, it smelled amazing and my mouth started watering.  I realized, that, though, I am dedicated to being healthier, I’m still allowed to enjoy life and the earth wasn’t going to crumble if I *gasp* ate some cheese.   But this was unfamiliar territory I was entering.  I was leaving the comfort of the black zone, yet not going all the way over to the white side. Could I do it?  I was inching towards the gray area!    So I took a deep breath, and cut a piece of the yummy eggplant wrapped in cheese and brought it to my mouth.  To my surprise, lightening did not strike me down.  Quite the opposite – I enjoyed every single bite of my meal.  I felt completely satisfied. And I did not feel one bit of guilt.  Success!  I arrived at the gray area and I was OK.   I know that tomorrow I will continue on my plant-based diet.  This one meal with cheese isn’t going to tip the scales one way or another, regarding my health.  If anything, it helped me learn that I need to indulge once in a while to be healthy. Granted, this will be neither an every week nor an every month occurrence, but it’s FINE when it does indeed happen. I need to learn that it’s OK to be in the middle – in fact, it’s necessary.  I’m working hard on trying to apply this to all aspects of my life.  I might only have 5 minutes free, but in that time I can scrub the toilet.  The baby might be waking up in 10 minutes, but I can use those 10 free minutes to do some yoga.  And so, as I enter this New Year, I do it in the gray area and hope in the coming year to find and maintain that balance that I often lose sight of. 

May everyone have a wonderful new year filled with only health, joy, and prosperity.   May the gray area be with you.

*To maintain some privacy, instead of using people’s real names, I use aliases that are either fruits or vegetables.